ON THIS ELEVENTY-FIRST DAY OF THE MONTH OF SPLINGVEMBER
IN THE YEAR OF SIXTEEN HUNDREDS AND FIFTY AFTER THE DEMISE OF THE GLORIOUS REALM OF ARMOR
A LOG OF THE ADVENTURERS, SUBMITTED FOR THE ENJOYMENT OF THE WRITER’S COMPANIONS AND THE GLORY OF ALLAH
The adventurers found themselves in Bahamut’s temple wondering what precisely they ought to do, and they simply could not resist the allure of a pitch-black tunnel leading to Allah-knows-where. Five feet they crawled, then five more, then five more, until the tunnel seemed to give way to a precipitous drop with only an ooze-covered slide guaranteeing a swift ride downward but no such luck upward.
The fortunate scouts of the party (the small of stature but stout of spirit Loki; the fearsome yet paradoxically humane hammer-wielder, Tromed; and the bestial but beautiful Holly) were conveniently arrayed in size, and they proceeded to slowly lower Loki down the shaft. The halfling’s tremendous weight, however, was too much to handle, and soon the entire party found themselves at the bottom of the 50-foot shaft with nowhere to go but forward.
The party soon arrived upon a fork in the tunnel; they could either move straight ahead or veer to the right. A brief foray into the straight path revealed a large room with a pile of some sort in the middle. Returning to the fork and taking the other path, the adventurers happened upon a room populated by a group of wererats resentfully crushing Kruthick eggs. Though our adventurers might have stealthily dispatched of the wererats (foul beasts that they are!) instead the party relied upon the masterful diplomacy of Tromed and Zylara, who deftly convinced the wererats that their master (some Boar) had been mistreating them and that the party might be able to help them in an uprising.
The wererats were skeptical, but nonetheless the party aided them in a truly shocking number of Kruthick abortions (all but Loki, that is). At the center of this room was one unusually large egg that no one could manage to muster any ill will toward. Indeed, some magick or incantation prevented a single soul (be it wererat, halfling, eladrin, human, elven, dwarven, orcish, dragon-born, werewolf, were-X, half-elf, halfling-elf-mix, halfling-half-elf mix, dwarf-on-orc mix, elf-on-dwarf mix, werewolf on dragon-born mix, or even half halfling, one sixteenth orcish, three sevenths dwarven, and nine more seventeenths halfling) could gather the will to smash the vile mega-Kruthick. The cause was not helped by Holly’s insistence upon taking the egg as her own personal Tomagotchi and securing it in her bag. Plans to
eiffel tower table top the werewolf failed.
Soon, however, the eggs began to hatch and a swarm of Kruthicks attacked the adventurers and their new wererat semi-friends. Only Loki was spared from the Kruthick swarms because they could sense that the blood of their fallen (ALIVE) pre-born brethren did not sully his hands. Several rounds of ineffectual fighting on the parts of the adventurers still led to the victory thanks to the heroic wererats. Upon their victory, the adventurers convinced their wererat friends that when they all met Boar, the wererats would stay out of the battle unless it appeared that the adventurers were winning, in which case they would join…presumably on the side of the adventurers. But before going to see this Boar character, the party chose to see to the other room that they had left abandoned.
The pile in the center of that other room turned out to be werebat guana, and the light provided from Quareen’s sun-rod stirred the sleeping werebats and threw them into a rageful frenzy. Loki and Holly leapt from their platforms to grab the werebats’ legs, but their attempts to stab the seedy underbellies failed, sending them plummeting into the mountainous heap of megachiropteran fecal matter. The filth alone infected them with a most vile disease.
Ultimately, some most powerful magicks emanating from the formidable magical implements at Quareen’s disposal left several of the beasts unconscious, easy pickings for damage-dealers Tromed, Holly, Zylara, and Loki. Though Zylara sustained significant damage, she was eventually saved and proved her prowess with a dizzying array of teleportation attacks that sent her careening about the room like a pinball, popping up to attack marked targets who had, foolishly, ignored her challenge. The bats were soon no more.
MAY THE ONE TRUE GOD OF MIDDLE EARTH GUIDE OUR SWORDS.